I don’t know about you, but when I was in my early twenties, I hated having sex. It was horrible. I was horrible. The whole experience was horrible. It usually started and ended with me laying there like a dead fish and wishing it would just be done. I didn’t know what to do, how to do it, and honestly it was just really awkward. It wasn’t until about six months ago (I turned 26 in March) that this all changed and I finally started enjoying the experience.
I’m a sexual person. I know, a sexual person who hated having sex…weird, right? Well, to clarify, it was not the actual act of having sex that I disliked; it was everything that came along with it. The idea of being with another man, naked, one on one truly frightened me. IT’S ALL OUT THERE. My insecurities, my flaws and everything in between. The clothes I wear to hide the things I HATE about myself are no longer there, leaving me very vulnerable (something I am not good at). Is there anything more vulnerable than being naked in a bed with someone you like? NO.
Yes, we get it, everyone has flaws. This is a fact. The funny thing, though? We all believe that our flaws are MUCH worse than everyone else’s. For instance, I have a scar on the lower part of my stomach that I HATE. It is a permanent reminder of a very bad time in my life. Every time I see it I am horrified, so I can’t even imagine what others would be thinking when they see it. My scar played a large role in my sex life because I was so worried about what others would think when they saw it and this would take me out of my sexual mood, and put me in a place filled with insecurities.
The story was the same. I’d be with a guy and we would be going at it. Making out, touching, body contact and the clothes would begin to come off. We both finally drop trow and do that “body look over” that EVERY PERSON does. He, immediately of course, would look at my scar. What seemed like hours of examination, would put me right in my head with thoughts like: “He’s disgusted.” “Should I just put my clothes back on?” “He’s so turned off.” I go to that place of thinking the worst about myself and it is all downhill from there.
By getting in my head, and thinking these things, I would not be able to perform nor have a good time. Yes, I could get it up, that was not a problem. But, because I believed that the guy was so turned off by this flaw, I believed that I was not entitled to expressing my wants, needs and desires. My scar made me feel less than I was. It made me feel like he stayed just to be nice. Was this case? Sometimes, I’m sure. Honestly, one guy left. But, most of the time, it was not. These feelings made it very difficult for either of us to have fun because the best sex happens when both partners can freely act on their fantasies with a mutual attraction to one another. After years of this happening, I knew something had to change. My scar wasn’t going anywhere, so it was truly up to me.
About six months ago, I had a realization that yes, I have no control on how men react, but even if they were truly turned off by this scar or find it to be gross (which normally isn’t THE ACTUAL case), I could remind them on why we were about to have sex in the first place. I could no longer let this flaw and insecurity control how I was in bed, and start being confident in other things I had to offer. By getting out of my head, and letting these thoughts of self-doubt go, I have finally been able to enjoy my sexual experiences, and dare I say be good at it.
The next time you get naked with someone and it’s ALL OUT THERE, remember confidence is key. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. The other guy is probably just as nervous as you are. You must remember that you have the right to your wants and needs because they are real, true and completely yours. They deserve to be met. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of having a good time! Always remember to play safe and know that it takes two people to have great sex. The more fun you’re having, the more fun your partner will have so don’t let your insecurities get in the way! Be safe!