26 And Finally Enjoying Sex

sex

I don’t know about you, but when I was in my early twenties, I hated having sex. It was horrible. I was horrible.  The whole experience was horrible. It usually started and ended with me laying there like a dead fish and wishing it would just be done. I didn’t know what to do, how to do it, and honestly it was just really awkward. It wasn’t until about six months ago (I turned 26 in March) that this all changed and I finally started enjoying the experience.

I’m a sexual person. I know, a sexual person who hated having sex…weird, right?  Well, to clarify, it was not the actual act of having sex that I disliked; it was everything that came along with it.  The idea of being with another man, naked, one on one truly frightened me.  IT’S ALL OUT THERE. My insecurities, my flaws and everything in between. The clothes I wear to hide the things I HATE about myself are no longer there, leaving me very vulnerable (something I am not good at). Is there anything more vulnerable than being naked in a bed with someone you like? NO.

Yes, we get it, everyone has flaws. This is a fact.  The funny thing, though?  We all believe that our flaws are MUCH worse than everyone else’s. For instance, I have a scar on the lower part of my stomach that I HATE. It is a permanent reminder of a very bad time in my life. Every time I see it I am horrified, so I can’t even imagine what others would be thinking when they see it. My scar played a large role in my sex life because I was so worried about what others would think when they saw it and this would take me out of my sexual mood, and put me in a place filled with insecurities.

The story was the same.  I’d be with a guy and we would be going at it. Making out, touching, body contact and the clothes would begin to come off.  We both finally drop trow and do that “body look over” that EVERY PERSON does.  He, immediately of course, would look at my scar.  What seemed like hours of examination, would put me right in my head with thoughts like: “He’s disgusted.” “Should I just put my clothes back on?” “He’s so turned off.” I go to that place of thinking the worst about myself and it is all downhill from there.

By getting in my head, and thinking these things, I would not be able to perform nor have a good time. Yes, I could get it up, that was not a problem.  But, because I believed that the guy was so turned off by this flaw, I believed that I was not entitled to expressing my wants, needs and desires. My scar made me feel less than I was. It made me feel like he stayed just to be nice. Was this case? Sometimes, I’m sure. Honestly, one guy left. But, most of the time, it was not. These feelings made it very difficult for either of us to have fun because the best sex happens when both partners can freely act on their fantasies with a mutual attraction to one another. After years of this happening, I knew something had to change. My scar wasn’t going anywhere, so it was truly up to me.

About six months ago, I had a realization that yes, I have no control on how men react, but even if they were truly turned off by this scar or find it to be gross (which normally isn’t THE ACTUAL case), I could remind them on why we were about to have sex in the first place.  I could no longer let this flaw and insecurity control how I was in bed, and start being confident in other things I had to offer.  By getting out of my head, and letting these thoughts of self-doubt go, I have finally been able to enjoy my sexual experiences, and dare I say be good at it.

The next time you get naked with someone and it’s ALL OUT THERE, remember confidence is key.  FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.  The other guy is probably just as nervous as you are.  You must remember that you have the right to your wants and needs because they are real, true and completely yours.  They deserve to be met. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of having a good time!  Always remember to play safe and know that it takes two people to have great sex. The more fun you’re having, the more fun your partner will have so don’t let your insecurities get in the way! Be safe!

29 Comments

  1. Cody C.   •  

    YOU MADE MY DAY WITH THIS POST. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS SO REAL. I HAVE BIRTHMARK ON MY BODY THAT I HATE AND IT ALWAYS STOPS ME FROM HAVING SEX WITH GUYS. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Cody,

      Glad you liked it! Not going to lie, it’s hard putting yourself out there but I am so glad it can help others!

  2. Matthew Widnest   •  

    I like how open you are about your insecurities. It makes me feel so much better about my problems because I know that there are other men out there just like me. I am sure your scar is not that bad and I am sure people can look past it. I think it is great that you are writing posts like these! I hope you keep it up!

    XOXO Matt from Miami

    PS- Come visit!

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Matthew,

      Honesty and being open are key to a happy life. Trust me! This blog has almost become a journal for me. So glad you the post. Trust me. Most men will look past what you are insecure about, and you never know, might truly like it!

  3. Brandon Braisland   •  

    I am such a big fan!!!! My friend just told me about your blog and I LOVE it! Thank you for writing this. I used to be really over weight and have stretch marks on my body. I used to hate them but now feel comfortable with them. We are in the situation. I can’t let it effect me anymore because I like having sex and I know that he will only have fun if I have fun!

    Thank you and I LOVE YOU! Morgan is amazing too!

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Brandon,

      Thank you! Glad you like the show! And yes, Morgan is amazing. Thanks for reading! I was overweight when I was younger too. Stretch marks are something everyone has, even the smallest people. It’s great to hear that you are accepting yourself for the way you are!

  4. Dan The Man   •  

    You’re so brave for being so open about these things. I have a scar on my body that I hate. And, like you it has held me back from doing so much. Thank you for writing this. It means a lot to me. I am going to read the rest of your articles now. This inspires me. When you talk about both partners having a good time, you are so right.

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Dan the Man (love the name)

      Thanks man! I appreciate it. Glad you liked the article! Hoping people relate to them. Just like helping people!

  5. Yuri   •  

    You are an inspriation to the LGBT community. Thank you for doing things like this always giving a voice.

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Yuri!

      Thank you! That is very sweet! I appreciate the support and kind words! Means the world to me!

  6. Kevin   •  

    I’m so glad I read this. I love everything you write because it is true and genuine. You definitely are helping a lot of guys out there, especially ones that have this fear of sex because their body is not up to par and not like their partner. Also, love how you used “fake it till you make it.” We used that a lot in physical therapy school. Kudos to you, Jonny, for helping others out.

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Kevin,

      Thank you. I am glad you find them helpful. No one is perfect so it’s just a matter of understanding that people will look past your flaw because they are not as sensitive as you are about it.

  7. Nicolas   •  

    Amazing true story!! I admire you, you are brave!! I’m 26 too and im totally agree!! Hugs from colombia!!

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Thank you! 26 is honestly a great age! Learning so much about myself and loving every minute of it! Hope all is well in Colombia!

      • Nicolas   •  

        Hope you have the chance to come…you would love it!! I just read all your post!! You seem to be very honest!! Nice blog!! I will share it with some friends!! Hugs

  8. Dustin   •  

    I look forward to reading what you have to say when you post. No one else really writes about the love life of a gay man. Keep them coming! Thank you!

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      Dustin,

      Thank you! That truly means a lot. I am glad you enjoy what I have to write. Honestly, Im just your average gay man trying to figure out my life…it’s not easy. Not perfect in anyway shape or form, nor will I ever be. There are more gay men out there like us than we think…trust me ;)

  9. Darius   •  

    Jonny,
    This blog was amazing. I hate the way we down ourselves and allow ourselves to feel less than we are. I’m glad I can finally say that I’m comfortable with who I am. And it only took 21 years lol. I love your blog, and I hope you continue to write more.

    • Jonny Drubel   •     Author

      At 21 you are WAY ahead of the game! Good for you for being so strong Darius! Thanks for reading! I appreciate the support!

      More blog posts to come!

  10. charles   •  

    Am soo thrilled for amazing men like you,you inspire,teach and influence.Thank you sooo much for an amazing talk.Too bad you are soooo far from me i would i have crushed u in a bear hug. Am truly grateful for what u always say♡♡♡.

  11. Arlen Jeremy Farmer   •  

    Jonny,

    While living in Los Angeles & being close to you in age, I enjoy reading your blog. Your voice is fresh & raw…like great Beverly Hills sushi…

  12. Sophia   •  

    I am a social worker working as a college counselor, and I applaud your articles are very inspiring and supportive of LGBTyouth! I refer them to some articles.

  13. Ariel Serrano   •  

    This has brighten my day by far, I am currently in the same situation as were I have a couple of stretch marks on my abdominal area. It has made me feel so insecure. I’m slowly learning to embrace them.

  14. Jeff Jones   •  

    Hi Jonny,

    This was a really great post and I am reading your blog for the first time it is like soup for my soul. I have felt so alone and like I was the only one going through these things.

  15. Pingback: #RichKids of Beverly Hills’ Jonny Drubel Opens Up About Sex Experiences, Open Relationships and His Recent Trip to the Hospital | Nagg

  16. Tracy   •  

    I checked out your blog, I’m a straight woman think of a mature Morgan lol anyways I love your blog I have a young friend who you described to a “t”. It’s like you were telling his story. I applaud you for your honesty and humility being so forth right, God if more people would just say what they need to we all would waste so much less time b.sing 1 another. I wish you continued success. Please keep dancing,laughing and loving.

  17. Tracy   •  

    I checked out your blog, I’m a straight woman think of a mature Morgan lol anyways I love your blog I have a young friend who you described to a “t”. It’s like you were telling his story. I applaud you for your honesty and humility being so forth right, God if more people would just say what they need to we all would waste so much less time b.sing 1 another. I wish you continued success. Please keep dancing,laughing and loving.

  18. B   •  

    I have a scar down my entire back and on the side of my ribs on the right. When a guy is hitting it from the back yeah I am thinking what the guy is thinking about my scars BUT I still have nooooo shame. It is what it is. Be confident boys ;)

  19. LORD JBR   •  

    First, thank you for representing our community, gay guys.
    I am French, and I know you from richkids of beverly hills, I saw in you a man, sexy but not just sexy, you’re intelligent and good. I saw myself in your article although I still don’t do my Coming Out, i can’t.. Thank you again for being you, a young French gay.

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